I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
