I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
