Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
