My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
