just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
