I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
