I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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