you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
third nipple confirmed
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
