i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
