nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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