The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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