also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
