Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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