I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
