I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
