He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
