sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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