I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
