forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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