I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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