its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
