Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
