I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
