who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
