I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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