1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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