Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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