I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
