Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
