When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
