i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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