Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
