Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
