i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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