Michael Bay diarrhea
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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