She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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