remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
