my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
