I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
