I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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