def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
