Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
In America we eat man semen.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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