i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
