Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
