Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
