I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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