I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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