I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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