I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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