you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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