my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
