here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
