you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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