I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
