Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
